i have been thinking about this topic a lot recently. getting to know new friends at college has been fun for me especially in the moments where we sit down and get to know each-others perspectives on life philosophically. two of my girlfriends are in long distance relationships with guys who seem to be the opposite of bare minimum. for instance, the first day i met one of my already close friends, she was showing me her cultivation of vintage trinkets. one of which was a little jewelry box. when she opened the box, there was a surprise note from her boyfriend before he had left, with a silly pickup line. just a little thing like that is so above and beyond to me; i've never experienced spontaneous affection or romance, at least that i can think of right now, but i surely have never been able to appreciate something like that from an outside perspective.
right there gave me a moment of hope that romance within our generation is not dead. romance can be fully viable on its own. my perceptions of relationships completely changed from such a small moment like that- after almost three years, they feel incredible comfortable with eachother, but romantic gestures are not just used as flirtation tactics.
i'm the type of person that would be very distrusting of a little romantic gesture like that because of my inability to fully trust men. the longest "long-term" relationship i had been in was for 7 months, where nothing like that happened, and otherwise, small things like flowers or a gift in the other romantic relationships i've experienced were pre-sex, and after we had sex i was left or it felt as if those gestures were unnecessary anymore since the main goal had been achieved. the only affectionate gestures i would recieve from a boyfriend were the "expected things": birthday posts, valentines day gift, new years kiss. and even at that, those gifts and moments are not personal, they're what you're supposed to do.
but this moment that i had witnessed with my friend and her boyfriends note really did make a huge impact on me.
me and that same friend have discussed the topic of love at first sight. which i truly don't believe in, but i've heard is a situation that you wont find when you're actively looking for it.
i'm a strong believer in lust at first sight and infatuation at first conversation, which was the conclusion i came to in my heated conversation with this friend.
THE PROCESS:
first sight: lust
first introduction: infatuation
and then,
up until dating: a need for possession
or at least that's how i think i've experienced it- supporting evidence being that i get bored when i receive constant affection.
it then got me to thinking of the cliche: what really is love?
like seriously, what is it. and to people who say they're in it and have been it, how do you know? do you really know or do you think? and if you're sure you know, how do you know you're right?
i've definitely thought i was in love before. i've said i was in love with someone before, but after it was "over" i had the thought, no..no...that wasn't love. it couldn't have been...
i have a really sweet friend who is incredibly creative and loves to write stories and screenplays. we're very similar in the sense that we "fall in love" with people easily. they recently texted me, with that same message; they had fallen in love and are going to write a story about it. for the first time ever, i didn't think: wow, it must be love. I thought: How can i tell my friend that this isn't love, to me? this is just infatuation and i know because this has happened like 20 times.
but then i thought: i cant tell them that what they're experiencing isn't love, but infatuation, because what if i'm wrong?
one of the hardest about all this love stuff is, i guess, that we really don't know until we experience it. and even if/when we do experience it, we may not even realize it and come to terms with the fact that we experienced it.
love is a word that is undefinable. love is not a word that is "individually necessary and sufficient" (research those terms together if you're interested in what i mean)
in my philosophy class we discussed this argument by Nietzsche: “All concepts in which an entire process is semiotically concentrated elude definition; only that which has no history is definable.”
That's the issue. Love has history. and no two people have the exact same perception of love because of all of the different true or untrue "examples" of it that have been indoctrinated into our personal understandings of it.
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although my conclusion is very pessimistic, i will say one thing that kind of coincides with something i learned when i read Plato's Meno, in senior year of high school:
you truly understand a concept, something like love, goodness, or pleasure, when you can teach it to someone else.
maybe we will never be able to truly define love, or know what love really is, but theres some comfort in being sure in what love isn't. and thats a mentality that can be applied to bad breakups, uncomfortable relationships; although it may not have been love when you thought it was, you can appreciate it for what it wasn't.
* * *
in a more casual note:
i've really taken this stuff to my heart which has been somewhat of a good thing. i think coming to terms with these things have made it easier for me to not chase after something, therefore, it'll come to me easily. another thing is that it's helped me look at failed relationships in a more positive light; i can appreciate what i've experienced and learned in certain relationships whether its likes or dislikes. and its also helped me enjoy taking time to get to know someone before i attempt to satisfy the immediate gratification of finding romance, like getting into a relationship or having sex or defining "what we are" for a sense of ownership. cause truly, love isn't about ownership, and i don't think you have to even be monogamously romantic with someone for it to be love.
i hope y'all enjoy this and can take something from it. feel free to share ur inner thoughts too xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxoxoxoxoxoxox