im gonna throw up im so bored
zooming into my computer science class (why did I ever take this class if I'm not going to pay attention)
i'm gonna throw up -
I don't know how to confront people. I preach communication: "just sit them down and tell them how you feel!", I say to my friends constantly. But I never do that. I never swallow my own pills.
I don't know what in the world made me feel like this, and I never remember this being such an issue. maybe its having new friends, being in a new place. maybe it's having adult problems that I have to confront, rather than 7th grade drama, but it feels like 7th grade drama. will it ever not feel like 7th grade drama?
i still cry about little social interactions that could've gone better. I still call people bullies when I feel like they're not hearing me out. i feel like this girl [5th grade me in a purple athletic top] is stronger than me, but I'm older and taller than her so I don't know why...
i don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want. and I know how to say that I don't want something: "hey it made me feel upset when you did X", I say. okay then, what do you WANT me to do? and then im silent. my brain loses all its juice and i sit there and try to act cool.
i don't want to become super famous and tour the world, too scary.
i don't want to have mean friends.
i don't want a boyfriend.
i don't want to take a math class.
i don't want to talk to creepy men when I walk on the street.
i don't want to do hard drugs.
but what DO I want.
whatdoiwant
whatdoiwant
whatdoiwant
whatdoiwant
whatdoiwant
whatdoiwant
hell if i know.
growing up is the most disgusting thing to do. i guess it can be beautiful too, i mean, its a state of life where i get to have some responsibility but i can blame mistakes on my lack of knowledge or experience. but this question rings in my head like a fire alarm: "what DO you want to do?" or "what do YOU want to do?"
how am i supposed to know if i haven't seen everything? how am i supposed to know if my brain is still a pea filled with vape smoke and gluten? i preach maturity. i try to act so mature - try to have mature honest friendships, but i have no idea if what im doing is right. i can't even tell someone they hurt my feelings without immediately shaking after. i can't even stay mad at a friend when i try to make a point.
maybe the issue is that everything comes with challenge. that, and that everything is fleeting, temporary.
for instance, i want to perform live, i love playing music live when i do it, but im afraid. I have stage fright = challenge. that's a challenge that i just ignore constantly. i avoid that challenge and sit with my guitar in my room, with nothing but little video recordings of it on my phone.
telling someone they hurt my feelings; what if they get mad, what if they see it a different way and actually im in the wrong = challenge. challenge avoided. never tell them how you feel - let stuff muster up until you can't take it anymore and you dip. not good... not healthy.
so here's what i do. i journal. i don't believe in therapists. maybe cause the one therapist i had didn't water my delusions and sat there like a lifeless rock. but i don't. my friends do and its totally helped them, even i can see it working. but i can't open up to a stranger [= challenge]. so i write. i journal. i tell this little green book everything and write it out so its real. the good part is that it gets the emotion out. i can be rational. im just being rational after i journal. no stupid fights over emotion.
and that helps, for stupid little fights or stupid little challenges like stage fright or school work.
but my issue with that is where the emotion goes, cause it cant go into a little journal. its still emotion that's out there in the atmosphere. i spend so much time trying to conceptualize issues like my feelings getting hurt that it turns into a robot conversation with my friend and i dissect why and how my feelings were hurt and how to avoid that. but is that actually the healthiest way to go? at the risk of sounding dramatic, why can't conversations about feelings be emotional? why can't i scream and cry and kick because my feelings were that hurt?
I've totally started letting myself cry. who cares if its immature - i love to cry when im sad. im so tired of sitting back and being my own therapist: okay why do we feel this way, why does this persons actions make u sad, and if their actions are really wrong, what is THEIR insecurity or issue that makes them feel this way.
Thich Nhat Hanh says be compassionate. compassion is huge. its honestly crucial. i act a certain way because of my own thoughts, insecurities, morals, and trials, so other people must too.
but when i find myself constantly forgiving or being "compassionate", i feel a bit walked over. AND i never find out if i did something too.
where do we draw the line between compassion and sticking up for ourselves?
when is communication an inconvenience and when is it crucial? and if we find ourselves constantly being "compassionate", doesn't there become a time where we remove ourselves from constantly excusing challenges?
what is the right way to be compassionate?
* * *
I'm almost done with my first year of university with a handful of friends and a card deck of scholastics.
it's getting hot here and sunny. i keep my window open now when i sleep.
I'm excited to go home, though. back to my sweaty little big city and my sweaty little big friends. i can't wait to hug my best friend and high five her boyfriend. I'll hug my mom and dad too and my dog. that i have. those are prized possessions, challenges i have faced and overcome. i get to shower them with hugs like id clean a trophy, smiling and proud.
so focused on the challenges ahead, that i didn't even have time to shine the trophies from the challenges I've beat. that's just how the immature-mature mind works.
I've been watching a lot of movies. i went through a week where i only watched gregg araki movies and concert footage:
Dirty Girls - Michael Lucid
The Brian Jonestown Massacre live Rockpalast 2010
This is How the World Ends - Gregg Araki
Movie: Splendor 1999 - Gregg araki
Movie: Nowhere 1997 Gregg araki
Movie: True Stories 1986 David Byrne
god bless archive.org
i also dyed my hair darker again cause the sun made it brown. i had soup for dinner with my friends yesterday and then we laughed and played hand games like we were little kids. for the first time ever i didn't really want to listen to music and wanted to be in silence. that never really happens to me, i like a soundtrack in my head.
i texted my parents goodnight first yesterday too. my dad usually wishes me a goodnight first. that's awesome of him , im super lucky.
gotta keep looking at my trophies - the one's I've already won.
