Boobye NEW YAWK

 Hey there blogalicious

i haven't posted a blog post in a while for a couple reasons.

first reason was that after 3 months of building up the courage to share this blog publicly, i got a lot of anxiety coming from peoples grammar edits... :|

but also i felt like i was just trying to create random inauthentic posts to please my <3 audience <3 when in reality that just separated me from the authenticity i'm trying to uphold here. 

second reason is that i finally moved out of my new york childhood home for college. i'd been trying to spend as much time just with friends and getting things. i finally finished recording for my new song that im going to release; its called "Go!" shhhhhhh 

and i had one of the best last weekends/weeks in the city with my friends. we went to a three day concert event for Junior Varsity/Enzo the Magazine/ Eternal: first show was on a boat, second was at the williamsburg hall of music, third one was at a warehouse, but i didn't go the third night. it was so fun, i was just surrounded by music, and excitement, and friends. i got to make a couple new friends too right before i left which was really sweet, and makes me excited to come back and visit. 

for the next couple days, i was just packing and recording and spending time with friends. my last night, yesterday, i got lunch with my best friend of all time and then met-up for dinner with all my friends and we ended up loitering at the restaurant for like 3 hours. the best part about it was that since we were outside, we saw so many of our/my friends who stopped by to say a lil goodbye. after that, me and my favorite person in this whole world went to an arcade and we ended the night playing cards and watching tv in our little group of friends. i was so happy. i was a bit sad too. just like i am now. 

i'm so excited for the independence. thats the thing, is i've lived in new york for all of my life. i've lived under my parents roof + rules for longer than i can remember. i'm excited to have the ability to make real life choices, like time management, what i do, where i am, organizing work vs play. i'm also incredibly excited to decorate my dorm... i'm excited to learn, truly. i've had practically no choice in what i was studying for my whole life. i'm excited to be engaged in activities, not to sound corny, but just join groups and make friends not based on cliques in school or cliques in the city.

but, if it were my choice, which unfortunately it isn't, i would totally stay in new york my whole life. i kind of got pressured into leaving the city for college, which is something i never said. for a while i tried to convince myself that this was my dream, or my choice, but it really wasn't. i got into some great schools in new york, that i think i'd be a lot more excited to start, cause of the familiarity and easier access to my hobbies. but some people in my life just kept saying "you'd regret not going to a school with a greater caliber like [college im about to start]". it's partially true, it's definitely an accomplishment to go to a great school, but i personally don't think the "caliber" of a school is the most important thing (?)

either way, i think i'm the type of person who adjusts well. it takes me a little bit of time, but im constantly reassuring myself in my head that i'll be okay. i do that so much, that it actually works. plus, distance makes the heart grow fonder. and i think that cliche will work for me in many senses. 

having the ability to separate and better myself from new york will strengthen my relationships platonically and romantic, as well as my relationship with new york. i don't tend to glorify new york being grown up there, but i still want to live and die there. 

i'm gonna miss a lot of people. but i don't feel as sad about leaving the people i feel closest too, cause i think our relationships mean more than the amount of time we spend together. i can think of about 5 people that i have that relationship with... 

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moving is scary. i feel a bit numb right now. i don't know how im going to react, but im just scared. i'm so scared of change, i wish i could tell the future. i wish i wouldn't have to worry about making friends or avoiding drama, or not getting mixed up with people who separate me from myself.

i'll obviously keep you updated. and maybe tomorrow i'll do something a bit more upbeat like a dorm tour.

Money

Being an adult and being conscious of how expensive things are is disgusting. Especially in New York. I am so grateful of all the times id scream or cry for a monster high doll or one of those Barbie’s or omg a webkinz, but my parents would give in and get it for me. There’s nothing more frustrating than spending money on useless things like a vape ew or a water just cause im thirsty. Every single time I spend time downtown, i always get a overwhelming yet subconscious frustration with the money i spend. Like okay 10 dollars for chips and guacamole… 

I end up having a great time, but i still feel such a guilt for not thinking thriftily when going out with friends. Maybe if i was vegan id save money? 

This is especially hard cause i love trying new food. Im such a traditionalist when it comes to food. Whenever i go to a Resturant multiple times, i order the same exact drink and the same exact food. Except today, i literally had ramen with idk what was in it cause i didnt even read the ingredients, and i loved it. It reminds me of when i was in virginia about a year ago and i tried a chicken sandwich. Not just any chicken sandwich, literally the best chicken sandwich in the world with random things in it like MAYO. I had never tried mayo before that but it’s kinda good. The only other meal that reached the same potential as the chicken sandwich from virginia is the chicken kebab pita sandwich from Cafe Mogador. It’s literally a pot of gold. Perfect with fresh orange juice or their mint lemonade, which sometimes has too much pulp but otherwise is delicious. 

Anyways yeah, i wanna try cool meals but im broke after one weekend downtown with my friends. The only way to save money is literally just eat at home. But then i feel bad for constantly eating my parents food. Plus i dont want to spend that much time at home. 

It’s helped that I’ve started loving work though, and so does the money i make from music. I should have a lot of money added up by the end of the summer, otherwise i plan on getting a job once i move to DC. Cant depend on being an influencer forever… 

It’s weird shifting your priorities when you get older. This time last year, i would never consider getting a full time or even a part time job to make good money. Im now thinking about building my credit, where i want my future to be, who i want my future to be with… and its not even bringing me that much anxiety. It’s kind of exciting. I really do love working, it makes fitting other things into my schedule so much more fun. Like seeing friends, going out on a date, movie night. I think ive always wanted this feeling since i was young. And i really do hope i keep this mentality when i get to college. Prioritizing myself, my career, and my success. I don’t want to be prude when it comes down to the “college experience” and going out to parties and such, but i really don’t feel a need for that. 

How do i feel like i already want to settle down, have a good career and good family at 18. I dont know if its because of the expedited maturity that comes with growing up in New York City surrounded by older friends since 7th grade or my inate obsession with anticipation. Or maybe a mix of both?

I still feel like i enjoy my adolescence though, i love the place im in right now, I love the people i surround myself with and the fun that we have. I don’t feel like my adulthood is impending.