Existential crisis 👌

 I'm currently finishing my first semester of college. 

 I'm currently finishing my first semester of college. 

 I'm currently finishing my first semester of college. 

 I'm currently finishing my first semester of college. 

Woah

Anyways,

Today was the last class of my required religion class called "Problem of God", to my surprise, we don't only talk about theology. My mind was drifting a lot today; I mostly thought about drama, the amount of work I have to do, the pages I have to write, and how excited I am to have a break from school. 

We talked about the notion of "being yourself". Something that's constantly promoted especially within our generation.  I mean, I hear it all the time and feel like I've always done a pretty good job. I'm at the point where I feel confident in my style, my interests, and most of my feelings, and I definitely try to be honest about anything and everything. But today, when confronted with this topic. I didn't feel like any of those examples were enough. 

In came the existential crisis: am I not myself? will I ever be fully myself?

Is there even such a thing as a self?

short answer: yes

long answer: no

conclusion: I have no clue

I believe that this depends on how you define your "self". There's the expressive self. Here's mine: I make music, I love art, I love philosophy, I secretly love musicals, I love having true friends, Sometimes I'll wear the weirdest pieces of clothing cause I think it looks cool then regret it, I stick up for what I believe in, and I try to be positive but sometimes I'm an absolute bitch. I have brown hair, I'm 5'7.5 but say I'm 5'8 and sometimes feel 5'10. and the list goes on... but, in expressing that, I feel like I consider myself someone who accomplishes the "be yourself".

On the contrary, these are all decisions, passions, and behaviors that have been cultivated by every experience, interaction, sight, sound, feeling, or anything that I have consumed and perceived. And after that, all of these perceptions and consumptions are products of society (people who have laid these out before me).  

Woah

Incredibly nihilistic. 

Self is another word like love, trust, or good, that just can't be defined. Even worse, it can't be categorized. You can't pick and choose the things that make up a "self". It's kind of like a general consensus. But it's falsifiable; we find new attributes, we change our behavior, and this won't stop, even if you've reached the point where you're like "I'm completely myself". 

It's uncomfortable to think that it's impossible to achieve that salvation in your life, but at the same time, it's beautiful. All the interactions, knowledge, passions, etc., that you've collected in your brain since you were a baby add up to create how you interact with the present. 

The sucky part about that is that to gain that, you also have to lose some things. Think about babies. They don't get what they want, and they cry. They get hurt, and they cry. They fit a ball in a hole, and they are happy. Babies express their "self" unconditionally. Whereas as we grow up, we're taught to repress these emotions or learn to live with consequences whether they're stupid ones like judgment, or beneficial ones like, I don't know, jail if you stab someone?

We grow more and more conscious of the systems in place in society, whether it's the normalized social things, prejudices, ideals of success and accomplishment, or generalized ideas of being "good" vs "bad". I mean take accomplishments, for example, a baby could fit a ball in a hole and feel like they're the best person ever. I, on the other hand, finish a 10-page essay after reading a 400-page book and it's not satisfactory; I always know there's more for me to accomplish, "better" things, things that are deemed worthy of celebration. And even when that's done, I can do better, I can push myself. And its accomplishments are seen as accomplishments by society and are something that I've learned, through other people, that can be considered an accomplishment. Even in how we behave, there's this common idea of "it's the right thing to do" or "there's a beneficial purpose in acting said way". But ultimately you've learned that this is "right" or "beneficial". 

Why are we so focused on finding an end to experiencing things? 

I'm not sure. 

To be honest, I'm really sad about the ending of this semester. I really loved this class and especially my professor. I love when my teachers make me think. I love when a teacher makes me question everything especially when I feel comfortable with not finding a conclusion. 

So that's what I will say: I don't know if there is such a thing as "being yourself" and I am totally comfortable with fostering this existential crisis.