Worst but also Best day ever

 Hiiiiiiiii Blawwwwwgggggggg !!!!!!!!!!!!&*&(&^(!!!!!!!!!!

I had such a bad night/ morning. Woke up 2 just a very uncomfortable situation. I hate boys. Especially boys frum my past. They think theres no such thing as boundaries… i also just realized i have such a hard time saying no 2 things. Especially when i dont even wanna do them. Then i end up just feeling shitty+gross. 

My least favorite type of situation is where the guy hurt me in the past, and even if i dont want to do anything, i give in, but just for the physical attraction… then it ends up being the situation where he tries to act like we have some sort of romantic, inseparable bond, and we literally dont. And after i end up just giving in, i am completely physically repulsed by the guy. 

This situation also just made me realize that i dont need 2 “protect myself from getting hurt” by keeping intimacy casual. I dont need 2 “keep my options open” in order to cushion the blow, if i end up being rejected. I really like this 1 guy, and theres no expectations from him or me in terms of our relationship 2 eachother, but I feel like I force myself 2 see other people cause I think otherwise im gonna end up hurt, rejected, and alone. 

I think my biggest fear is rejection. I deal with it all the time, but nothing ever makes me feel worse than rejection, no matter the terms…

Anyways so that was horrible & i am declaring my celibacy till July through this blog post <3

*    *    *

The day ended up getting 10000000000x better tho…

My BFF and I are in the hamptons 2gether for the weekend, and we drove by this sweet little bookstore in the basement of a library. We saw this sign that said 50% off, and i contested it since i wus SEWWWWWWWWW hungry, but we ended up going in.

I thought to myself while i was in the bookstore, How funny would it be if i found A collection of poems by WB Yeats… 

I’ve been trying 2 find this book for almost a year; the only place I found it was like 200$ on EBay… BUT low and behold, I FOUND THE FUXXXXING BOOK. And for only 2 FUUUUUUCKIN DOLLARS !!!!!!11!!!1111!!

UGGHHHHHHH IM SO HAPPY <3

The day got 1000000x better. We ended up both getting like 10 books for less than 20 bucks each. Such an amazing day,

Cute lil pussy poem

Lulu!!!!! DASSSS MEEEE !!!

All me + BFFs books <3

*    *    *

We then ended up gettin McDonald’s then crying in the 7/11 parking lot. But after, we met up with our other cute friend we havent seen in a while. And we went 2 her farm !!!!!!!!!! I want 2 live on a farm so so bad. I met goats, pigs, mini horses, donkeys, chickens, geese, dogs, horses, pigs, sheep, and TWO ADORABLE COWS. I love animals so so much. They’re so innocent and sweet. I wish i could read their minds. Hanging out with them definitely made me feel better about my night. 

While my BFF and I were driving 2 the farm, i had one of their dogs on my lap, and the other dog had her head out da window. Honestly that was a core memory. Just so sweet and innocent.

*    *    *    

It was definitely one of the top 5 days of my life. I felt just so fucking calm. So serene. 

I felt like i didnt need 2 worry about anything but take responsibility for it. I know I need to learn 2 voice my boundaries better + I need to just enjoy my life and not impulsively rush things. 

Anyways… 

Here r sum new song suggestions:

Fingertips - The Brian Jonestown Massacre

Sextape - Deftones

Silver Springs - Fleetwood Mac

Dragonaut - Sleep