Existential crisis 👌

 I'm currently finishing my first semester of college. 

 I'm currently finishing my first semester of college. 

 I'm currently finishing my first semester of college. 

 I'm currently finishing my first semester of college. 

Woah

Anyways,

Today was the last class of my required religion class called "Problem of God", to my surprise, we don't only talk about theology. My mind was drifting a lot today; I mostly thought about drama, the amount of work I have to do, the pages I have to write, and how excited I am to have a break from school. 

We talked about the notion of "being yourself". Something that's constantly promoted especially within our generation.  I mean, I hear it all the time and feel like I've always done a pretty good job. I'm at the point where I feel confident in my style, my interests, and most of my feelings, and I definitely try to be honest about anything and everything. But today, when confronted with this topic. I didn't feel like any of those examples were enough. 

In came the existential crisis: am I not myself? will I ever be fully myself?

Is there even such a thing as a self?

short answer: yes

long answer: no

conclusion: I have no clue

I believe that this depends on how you define your "self". There's the expressive self. Here's mine: I make music, I love art, I love philosophy, I secretly love musicals, I love having true friends, Sometimes I'll wear the weirdest pieces of clothing cause I think it looks cool then regret it, I stick up for what I believe in, and I try to be positive but sometimes I'm an absolute bitch. I have brown hair, I'm 5'7.5 but say I'm 5'8 and sometimes feel 5'10. and the list goes on... but, in expressing that, I feel like I consider myself someone who accomplishes the "be yourself".

On the contrary, these are all decisions, passions, and behaviors that have been cultivated by every experience, interaction, sight, sound, feeling, or anything that I have consumed and perceived. And after that, all of these perceptions and consumptions are products of society (people who have laid these out before me).  

Woah

Incredibly nihilistic. 

Self is another word like love, trust, or good, that just can't be defined. Even worse, it can't be categorized. You can't pick and choose the things that make up a "self". It's kind of like a general consensus. But it's falsifiable; we find new attributes, we change our behavior, and this won't stop, even if you've reached the point where you're like "I'm completely myself". 

It's uncomfortable to think that it's impossible to achieve that salvation in your life, but at the same time, it's beautiful. All the interactions, knowledge, passions, etc., that you've collected in your brain since you were a baby add up to create how you interact with the present. 

The sucky part about that is that to gain that, you also have to lose some things. Think about babies. They don't get what they want, and they cry. They get hurt, and they cry. They fit a ball in a hole, and they are happy. Babies express their "self" unconditionally. Whereas as we grow up, we're taught to repress these emotions or learn to live with consequences whether they're stupid ones like judgment, or beneficial ones like, I don't know, jail if you stab someone?

We grow more and more conscious of the systems in place in society, whether it's the normalized social things, prejudices, ideals of success and accomplishment, or generalized ideas of being "good" vs "bad". I mean take accomplishments, for example, a baby could fit a ball in a hole and feel like they're the best person ever. I, on the other hand, finish a 10-page essay after reading a 400-page book and it's not satisfactory; I always know there's more for me to accomplish, "better" things, things that are deemed worthy of celebration. And even when that's done, I can do better, I can push myself. And its accomplishments are seen as accomplishments by society and are something that I've learned, through other people, that can be considered an accomplishment. Even in how we behave, there's this common idea of "it's the right thing to do" or "there's a beneficial purpose in acting said way". But ultimately you've learned that this is "right" or "beneficial". 

Why are we so focused on finding an end to experiencing things? 

I'm not sure. 

To be honest, I'm really sad about the ending of this semester. I really loved this class and especially my professor. I love when my teachers make me think. I love when a teacher makes me question everything especially when I feel comfortable with not finding a conclusion. 

So that's what I will say: I don't know if there is such a thing as "being yourself" and I am totally comfortable with fostering this existential crisis. 

The City Left Me before I Left It

I’m back in DC… Again… after a wonderful return to my home&heart New fricken York.

I saw friends the first couple days I was back, but I mostly was excited to just be in my space again, with my family. It was so peaceful and sweet. 

Something about the city just makes me anxious now. I don’t know if it’s anticipating seeing a familiar face or embarrassing interaction, but it kind of reassures me that it’s good that I got out of NYC for university. I think Ive outgrown it for the time being.

On my last full day in New York, I went upstate with a friend of mine. We kept making jokes that we’d get a matching tattoo that said “11/27/22 BEST DAY EVER”, but, in all seriousness, I honestly wish I had something more tangible to appreciate this day. 

I love upstate New York. Specially Woodstock and its neighboring towns. Woodstock, yes cause I’m a classic rock-groupie + nostalgia-junkie, but mostly cause I find a bit of comfort knowing I won’t know anyone where I am, especially when I’m comfortable with an area. As I’m exploring the world, this is one of the few places I could see myself growing old in. It moves slowly, unlike the city. I feel like I can keep up.

I’ve been finding it a little discouraging but also useless to pursue my art as a career. I love music, I love other formats of art, and I will continue to practice all of these for the rest of my life, but my sureness in pursuing these as a career just separates me from my love for music, etc.

I’ve mentioned this before, but there are a few reasons why. I get incredibly anxious when releasing music. The process of releasing music easily separates me from my initial goals which are to explore my talent and basically, just create a piece that is true to me and that I love. It just turns into worrying about numbers, listens, and all that lame shit. Another reason is that so many people are making music these days, as it’s become incredibly accessible to not only everyone (which is amazing) but to people with social media platforms that are trying to suck every possible opportunity out of it through multiple expressive mediums. 

It smashes the little artist. 

Although a few examples of these people are completely well-deserved, this whole situation just reveals how tedious it is for us, the media consumers, to see a new song release every time they swipe. Which inevitably, leads to the ignoring of these advertisements. I’m so guilty of it too but, in releasing my new song, I've been conscious of the growing weakness of being an independent artist on social media.

While I was upstate, we walked into somewhat of an antique market. There was a live band and just a bunch of older people dancing. Carelessly. There was even a couple, dressed in matching plaid shirts, dancing as if no one else were around them- enthralled by only one another. It made me feel light in my shoes.

Suddenly, a woman came up to me, without hesitation, asking if she’s seen me before. Her name was Viola, I had never met her before. We got to talking about how in love I am with this area, and its energy. She then told me she also lived in New York and spent most of her time in the Lower East Side - somewhere I find myself most days and nights. 

I asked her, “Why did you leave?”

And she said, “Well, the city left me before I left it.” And shrugged.

How could I relate to someone so much. As a fellow artist, feeling so unsatisfied with the environment I find myself in, that memento hit me like an 18-wheeler on a highway. 

I couldn’t stop thinking, and can’t stop thinking, about that comment. If I love my craft, is it the environment that’s hurting me? Has New York left me? 

I will say one thing, Art is dying in New York. Not completely, but it is. There’s a lack of identity in the artwork being made. There’s no urge for personality. And even at that, our generation is fed so much of that impersonal artwork, that our cognition is bored!!!

Expressiveness is important, but is social media aiding human’s expressive nature? Or deteriorating it? 

The reason I bring up New York is that it’s the hub of this catastrophe. The clubs, the restaurants, the stores, the shows; why wouldn’t any 20sum-year-old person want to live there. Specifically the downtown, a place known for inhabiting some of the world's best-struggling artists. 

Maybe it's the struggle that's gone. There's "art" but it's missing something. It's missing agony and emotion because surely the production of art and fashion is still there and heavily accessible, it is just not the same. 

Patti Smith and Barnacle Clyde

 I don't know much about this woman but the amount i've learned about her through coincidence in the past couple months is crazy. you know when you learn a new word, or see someone once and then its everywhere. well thats Patti Smith for me, most commonly attached with the name Robert Maplethorpe. 

A friend of mine, and someone apart of my "top 5 favorite creators i know personally", named Alex, sent me Smiths post of her event in DC. 

Let's talk about Alex. I don't appreciate my friends enough. Alex is a cool girl, she's sweet she's funny. She's one of the first couple people I admired creatively who also were around my age in NYC. Theres a few people like that who have inhabited my life and I owe a lot of my creative confidence too. I mostly talk about how my best friend, Em, inspired that in me, but Alex too. I actually have never told her or anyone this but she really did. I remember admiring the way she captured simple objects in such a colorful beautiful way, ever since i first followed her on Instagram when i was probably 14.

I've always been a bit of a creative person. Both my parents being musicians helped with that, my love for creation and romanticism has been something that's stuck with me forever. But i do owe most of my creative confidence to these few friends i admired and then grew friendships with.

Alex was, is, and always will be a ball of sunshine. The first things I think of when I think of her are marshmallows, sprinkles, sweet tarts, and valentines day. I swear I have never met a more positive light in my life. I think I've only seen her cry once, and even then she was still positive. Not only that, but she is INCREDIBLY talented. She's a photographer and a good one. She perfectly captures the color, and all her photos provoke a feeling - which I think is very hard to find with modern-day photographers. I feel like you've just gotta know Alex, and even if you just see Alex, you love Alex.

Anyways... she sent me this post and I was like fuck yeah, Patti Smith keeps coming up in my life anyways, I like some of her songs, might as well confront it head-on. So i sent it to my friend Tess, not knowing she was an avid fan, and we went. That's another person I love and appreciate: Tess. She's the wisest woman i know. She's beautiful, she's talented, she's intelligent, creative, inspired, driven, and fricken determined. She has the most perfect freckles also, something I've always wanted to steal from her, just a couple of them. She's hilarious too. When I think of Tess, I think of apple picking or a really good first-edition classic book. I also think of brown sugar. 

I was so excited to see Patti Smith, I skipped all my classes out of excitement. We got there, and I won't spoil the details. But her new book is a published BeReal, let's just say. It's a photo for every single day of the year. A lot of which aren't even hers. Purposefully unprepared, Smith answered a few questions, sang a few songs, explained a few photos, and told a few stories. 

She's cool. It wasn't a heart-rate-increasing moment but it was special. 

(My friend posted this on Instagram, but I'm taking inspo from her when I say...) I'm a dabbler. Just like Patti Smith, I dabble. And recently, as I think I mentioned in my last post, I had a super heartbreaking moment in which I was confused with the trajectory that my life seems to be going in when I set my goal of becoming a successful musician. I quickly got over that, once the anxiety of my song release was over. But tonight was something special for me. 

Patti Smith is a wonderful woman. She successfully pursued careers in everything she's interested in: Music, Writing, photography, and poetry. Those are all the same interests I have. All the while, she's just like me in the way that she takes meaning in little things. Yeah, when I first looked at her new book, I thought, okay cool, random photos. But when I got to hear her elaborate on the significance of little items in each of her photos, or memories she has attached to people, places, or even little bits of information, I felt a lot better about the person I am. 

I think it's really easy to try to fit yourself into one box and then become scared because it feels limiting. That's what I try to do with myself sometimes accidentally. It's overwhelming, but it's clearly possible to be interested in the world around you and create based on your personal connections and varying interests. I feel bad about romanticizing things sometimes, I become irrational. I feel dramatic or judged for holding so much attachment to little things in my life. I don't have to be, though. I want to be a writer, I love thinking, I love making other people think. I love taking photos and capturing memories, and I love music. I love being creative and interested and curious. Patti Smith does each and every one of those and does it well. She is the definition of someone who consciously lives. Especially given the time she lived in, surrounded by friends being affected by the AIDS epidemic, to see someone still have so much appreciation for the world around her is beautiful and inspiring, and motivating.

So thank you for that. 

*    *    *

Next matter of business: Barnacle Clyde

Long story short, my friends and I bought a baby doll from CVS. Their name is Barnacle Clyde, and we took them to our local bar for the first and last time. Here are photos:

Go! (a song release diary)

Go! - Lucia Zambetti

Waking up, with nothing but my shoes and a knife

Breaking up, nothing bad you just weren’t very nice

I wanna see the movement of your stars up in the sky

And they’re just bright, nothing like the ones that shoot on by

But I still make the wish, I don’t want a kiss, I just want you to go

You’re just skinny jeans, I’m the teenage dream, and I’m beggin’ you to go

It seems like you forgot my name you call me anything but Lu

Like ‘what do you want’, ‘what are you here for’ or ‘what, now, did you do’

You’re so mean, you stumble round, just actin’ like my dad

And that’s just sad, its such a shame I still love you oh so bad

But I still make the wish, that you’ll be my bitch and leave when I say go

I’m the cream of the crop, you’re nothing but a slob and I’m begging you to go

Cause I crumble every time I hear your voice, 

And I won’t leave if I’m given the choice

Mmmhmmmm

Da da dum, da da dum,

La da da dum, da da dum, da da dum

Beggin’ you to go, beggin’ you to go

Beggin’ you to go, beggin’ you to go, beggin’ you to go

Beggin’ you to go, beggin’ you to go, beggin’ you to go 

Beggin’ you to go (Beggin’ you to go)

First off, I woke up, incredibly hungover, to some of the sweetest messages I've ever received in my life. Other creatives alike can attest to this: there's no other feeling better than validation centered around your artwork. Not only, "I love your song!" but when people go deeper and send you specific song lyrics that they relate to, or say they "needed" my song: That's exactly why I do what I do. To feel like i'm contributing something to someones interests, passions, feelings, expression or anything of that sort means so much to me that I can't even put the feelings into words.

I always get incredibly anxious before a song release. It's natural, I mean, I'm not just putting my face or my outfit on instagram for people to judge, i'm putting my passion, my artwork out into this vast world of judgement. It's fricken scary. I get super duper duper duper irritable, and sad, and scared. This one was specifically bad: I'm in a new place where I don't know too many people and creative expression isn't really on the table when trying to make new friends. I was feeling super down - I was even considering not continuing my goal to become a successful musician. 

Nonetheless, my new friends, even mutual friends and acquaintances filled me with so much support that I was on a high last night. We were sitting in a stinky boy dorm room, blastin my song, dancing around to it, hugging eachother, and I swear I was on a cloud higher than 9. We then made our little-college-way to the stickiest, emptiest, cringiest nightclub when all of a sudden, it was midnight. My new friends jumping around, smiling at me, showing me my new song on their phone only called for more hugs and more excitement. I felt indestructible. 

It sounds like there's going to be a twist, but there wasn't. This really was just such a core-memory that I'll remember for the rest of my life. The unconditional support and kindness coming from people I've known for 2 months max made me filled with a sense of pride. I'm so grateful. 

This song specifically was a weird one for me to write. I never sit down and write about specific people, but I wrote this song when I was just so tired of all the romanticizing and glorifying I've done in relationships with minimal received respect. I constantly find myself in that limbo of becoming comfortable with a guy's lack of effort after we've been seeing each other for a while. That at some point i'm just like, why don't you just leave, knowing damn well I'm too annoyed to even confront how I'm being treated. It's something i'm still working on for myself - the ability to step back and appreciate all the good things I romanticize while also make my standards clear. It's a shitty feeling to not have respect for yourself in that state, but I blow it off because everything seems temporary to me until proven not. 

Enough about that... 

Now for this song specifically, I wrote when I was struggling to find a personal sound. There's so much music in the world, and making music is becoming so accessible that it's so easy to just fall into a genre or style that brings the most publicity. I don't like that. Quite honestly, I struggle to listen to my own first couple songs because of how much they've been compared to other artists and how much that stripped me of a personal musical identity. I've become comfortable with comparison, as it's inevitable, but it does sometimes feel like a punch in the gut when appreciation coincides with comparison - it's very separating. Although I will say, I embraced it, taking inspiration from George Harrison, Brian Jonestown Massacre, and Shocking Blue with their usage of sitar. I definitely took some inspiration from Elliot Smith's harmonies, as I can't stop listening to him... But overall, I feel like there's more of me in this song than in my others. 

The next stop for this is a music video that's already been completely organized. I'm sooooo fricken excited. Me and my best friend are planning on getting it done by the end of the year and its going to be dope. I also, finally, am putting together a band to play some gigs. I finally, kinda, got over my stage fright, and met some really talented musicians who want to work together.

Overall, I love what I do. I put myself through it with my anxiety but the outcome outweighs that. I love sharing what I do with you, with my friends, with my family, with other creatives. And i'm so excited to see where this road takes me.

Go! by Lucia Zambetti

Spotify

Apple Music

Youtube

Past 2 days of you asking 4 advice !

 woah woah woah...

i'm so EXCITEDLY overwhelmed by the number of people asking me for advice. a little too excited that a few of my responses turned into 500-word related rants... 

here's a cultivation of a few submissions + responses that i thought would be better for the general public 2 see. i blocked out names for your privacy purposes. in the future, let me know if you want me to keep your submissions completely off the web (or if i posted one of yours that you'd like taken down).

here we gooooo:

im dating my bestfriend... is that dumb?!?!?! we have the BEST time together and we are absolutely obsessed with eachother. but we are in the same friend group!! such a cliche not to date your bestie.. have i made a mistake? im scared because all good things must come to an end, but were all good so far (6 months) side note i love u!! ur so talented and this page is so darn cute lady!

oh gosh that is a hard one. first of all, im so happy for you - it's such a nice feeling to have your compatibility and chemistry so secure. definitely one of the perks of dating a best friend. 

first thing i will say is: if you're happy, and it feels right, you didn't make a mistake :)

quite honestly, i'm jealous. i feel like its super important to establish a strong platonic relationship with someone before you start dating - even luckier, you guys are best friends. this person definitely has a better sense of your boundaries, comfort zone, personality, emotion, etc.. so it makes the process of getting to know them a loooot less dependent on your relationship, i believe.

also, the anxiety you're feeling about it coming to an end is sooooooo sooo so natural. i feel like that comes with any relationship - yours can totally be heightened since you clearly value your friendship as well. 

assuming that you started dating based on the pretences that you liked being best friends, worked as best friends, and feel romantically attracted to eachother, the biggest advice i would give is this: don't let all the technical aspects of "being in a relationship" get in the way. somewhere i've definitely messed up in getting involved with friends is forgetting to value them platonically. the fact of the matter is that you appreciate your best friend!!! theres a reason you became best friends, and theres a reason you decided to be together. its so easy to get wrapped up in the whole game of "are they reaching out enough? do we hangout enough?". that, i believe, can easily turn into a situation where you or they are no longer appreciating the person, but the concept of dating - which can totally lead to awkardness and hard feelings after a breakup. otherwise, make sure to be honest and communicate, the typical stuff.

p.s. thank u 4 the sweet messages too ;)

so basically for some context, I don’t really talk to guys on a normal basis and I’ve never had “guy friends” except one who liked me 4ever but he Ickes me out. there was also this one guy and we were hanging for like a month or two and he asked me to be his GF but I was 14 and he was 16 so like Nah. OK but what I really wanted to ask is like how do I get someone’s attention bc there’s this guy who’s super cute and he goes to my school and I see him @parties but I just can’t tell if he is interested or not. One night he did text me ab a party but I was asleep and that was the only thing he’s ever said to me and we have 3 classes together. so how do I get the friendship started bc I don’t wanna just be like dating right away or something I kinda wanna be friends first. Also, I will look @ his TikTok’s and stuff and sometimes they’re cringe and it makes me completely disgusted with him lol. how do I prevent this?

First of all, good!!!!!!!!! keep your standards up. never feel pressure to talk to guys on a normal basis. i sometimes feel that pressure, plus it's fun, but sometimes it's not right for you at the moment and you have to listen to yourself. 

also yes, so good to start off being friends. but also... if you don't feel attracted to him when you're watching his tiktoks, don't settle. at the same time, he could be an awesome friend, but you won't know till you find out!! so here's what i think you should do:

you're very clear on the fact that you want it to be friendly first. invite him to come hang out with your friends - if he can, great, talk to him, include him, and go from there. if he can't, with a valid excuse, give it another shot, but if the energy isn't reciprocated, he's not worth the mental warfare. you could also go up to him, find something to talk about, and see if it turns into a conversation where you could see yourself being friends - if not, it was a good conversation, you gave it a shot. if it does..... do it again :)

i'm a very strong advocate of getting things you want done. there's no shame in finding out - it may even bottle up if you keep thinking about what it can be like when you guys interact when you're not interacting. in the worst-case scenario, that turns into obsession and romanticizing (been. there.)

i, unfortunately, don't understand the male psyche but stand for your worth is all i'll say :)

Hey! needing some major advice. so i'm about to finish high school in two weeks and im freaking out. i don't know what to do with my life once i've finished and im worried ill just get bored and stuck! i really want to move out of my parents home because i feel like i need to spread my wings however i cannot financially afford it! wondering if you have any tips for me to help with the transition! and what helped you best? thankyou xo

congratulationnnnssssss!!! thats huge :) graduating is such a nice and proud moment - don't let yourself forget that.

don't worry - i had such a similar feeling this summer. i knew i wanted to enjoy a bit of relaxation, but also not get too attached to that. after i graduated i had summer, and then i decided to go to university, cause i felt like i wasn't done learning. not sure if that's a part of your plan or not but totally fine.

financial independence is huge - it's scary but its also really awesome at the same time. one thing you can do to knock out two birds with one stone is getting a job, part or full time. it sounds gross - but there are definitely ways you can make money and enjoy its perks. the other good part about this, aside from gaining your own financial independence, is it takes up time from your day. you will definitely find it harder to get bored if you have some sort of routine. some suggestions could be a coffee shop (ask if you get to manage the playlist while you work), a clothing store (possible discount???!!), or any other thing that you see yourself benefiting from interest-wise aside from financially. while you're doing that, definitely make time for friends and hobbies. that way, you have some sort of routine, you have free time, and you also have the ability to explore your interests and hobbies until it turns into something you know you want to do!!!! then from there, you can pursue it. 

hey luch i'm completely freaking out over college bc it's just SO hard!!!! i went to a very demanding school already so i thought college would be fine but clearly that's just not the case ad it's driving me crazy! i have anxiety all the time and i can't seem to separate that from my real life bc it's totally affecting my happiness in general and i don't know what to do! dropping out is not and option and the course is simply not going to get any easier so i'm completely lost!! xoxoxo hoping you can say some corny things to me bc it's hard out here.

first of all, I'm totally with u. it's so scary. my anxiety completely took over in one of the first few weeks and i was so frightened i wanted to run away from school. but i didn't cause i did a couple things, that of course ill share, that kept me goin. 

first, if you're super stressing by the time you read this, take a deep breath. cause you'll get everything done that you need to.

what i do in moments like these is make super to-do lists. if i have a bunch of homework i have to do by tomorrow, i get the first class's work done, write everything else i need to do down. and watch a movie, distract myself, and get to bed early. super corny mom lore. but for reals, i'm not gonna get it done well if I'm stressing. taking care of yourself is super super important, you just got to a new place, trying to figure out friends, goals, and independence. give yourself some credit. even try to ask for an extension, if not, nothing wrong with one late assignment - don't put too much pressure on yourself.

but yeah, to-do lists tottttttally come in clutch, because rather than thinking about it constantly in your brain, putting that stuff down on paper gets it organized and reminds you instead of making you anxious. plus, it feels soooo super nice to cross that sh*t off.

it's super important to balance your mental health and comfort with yourself as much as you make time for social or academic things. 

I am insanely in love w my hockey coach, who is also my friends dad. Pls send help.

No.

Hi Lucia! ur blog really inspires me and I love that we get to see a diff side of u that isn't apparent through other social media platforms. Lately, I have been having so many problems w self esteem. I just feel so unworthy of everything (love, friends, opportunities). I just really question myself sometimes and everything around me. I know boys shouldn't be a priority but I feel like its so easy for others while its not for me. Every time a boy I find cute notices a friend over me it really strikes a cord. Ik self love is important and wtvr but how do I not let those moments or others impact my sense of worth and self-esteem. Any tips?

self-esteem is a hard thing to grapple with. as much as i've felt like little moments of validation through boys or friends or opportunities will help, it really doesn't - it's too fleeting.as much as it's incredibly lovely to have these assets in your life, they're all material, while self-esteem is something that comes from within. start yourself off with words of affirmation; remind yourself that you're worth it, and these things aren't sure ways to fix it. i've definitely struggled with that. because confidence and passion within yourself is honestly attractive; all the other things you want will fit their way into your life once you've reached the point where you don't feel like you need it.things that i do when i feel like i have low self-esteem is first remind myself of the person i am, the things i've achieved and will achieve, and that i won't settle for a temporary reminder that im worth it. it truly is something you have to find on your own - whether that be through interests, passions, expression, or just simply spending time with yourself and becoming confident in the relationship you have with yourself. 

okay this one isnt advice ill ask very soon but when is the new music coming out i need it!

i'm actually coming back to NYC this weekend to finish mixing and mastering a song :) after that, its release time baby !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sweet sweet rain

today is a wonderful beautiful day.

it is raining in Washington DC, but it's cozy. I feel as though my past couple of blogs are too filled with anxiety and complaint - this blog post is nothing of the sort.

today I'm so happy, I'm in a fantastic mood. I feel accomplished, passionate, and bright. I feel comfortable, kind, smiley, grateful, and excited.

i got a notification this morning from spotify showing my top 100 listened to songs from last year. they're all happy and sweet. Here are a few of them:

You Are Giving Me Some Other Love - Penny & The Quarters

Woman - Little Simz, Cleo Sol

Seven Wonders 2017 Remastered Version - Fleetwood Mac

Oncle Jazz - Men I Trust

Real Love Baby - Father John Misty

Hey! Get Out of my Way - The Cardigans

Anyways, back to the regularly scheduled programming.

I feel whole.

I feel really good - it's such a nice feeling when I subconsciously wake up and decide to focus on the good and exciting aspects of my life. It drives me to be optimistic and determined. this all sounds so corny but I'm serious!

I can spend this time talking about all my anxieties, including people talking behind my back, people not respecting my space, and the stress of school, but today I've just remembered the fact that "I've gone through this stuff before, I'm capable of fixing it, getting it done, and I will, one step at a time!"

The funny thing is that I feel like this a lot. By taking the time to have a genuine connection with myself and the world around me and its beauty, I take the steps I know that will bring me out of a stressed out or anxious state. one of which, is this blog; turning my anxieties and thoughts into a forum where people can relate and have the ability to discuss similar or different situations is something that truly has improved my mental health. Unfortunately, from the reader's perspective, it looks like my life is driven by these moments, but they truly aren't.

i've been thinking a lot recently about how I'm perceived and how I want to be perceived through the media I release into this vast, crazy, judgemental, but hurt world we live in. in terms of my music, I've been making more and more of an effort to cultivate music based on what I love, not what I think would be popular. and it's led me to such a confident state with my music and performance. I even performed live, confidently, at my college this past weekend. which is something that took a lot of courage to do while living in NYC. 

when it comes to my blog posts, i have a lot more room and space to show how i feel, but i really do think i haven't given enough insight into my character as most of my posts regard my anxieties, mental health, and even complaints. for instance, something you wouldn't know about me unless I wrote it here, was that yesterday, i hungout with my new friends, just did work in the same space, talked about random things, and as I left I just couldn't stop smiling. In that moment I was filled with such an insane amount of gratitude for these people that i simply couldn't contain my emotion. 

sounds like i'm crazy, but this is exactly where I want to be in life and it takes effort.

I've spent so much of my life moving fast, growing up so fast, consumed by toxicity, materialism, sadness, anxiety (i still struggle with that), and settling for good treatment by the people I surround myself with. making a habit of living in the moment, being aware, reflective, and grateful, is something I've forced myself to do. yesterday was the first time that I realized that I had done it subconsciously, and I was so proud of myself. 

that's not to say that I don't ever struggle with bad days, bad weeks, even bad months - I just always remind myself that it's okay that I feel that way at the moment and I'm allowed to, but it can't consume me cause I'm strong. 

it's so easy to feel comfortable in a state of toxicity. it's so commonly practiced within our generation. we love chasing things, we feel as though it's productive. I'll tell you unless it's something that will better you like a passion, occupation, interest, or a healthy relationship, it's not worth it. it's important to be aware of where you are in the moment. if you're not being treated right or being respected as you would respect another person or thing, remove yourself. there's no reason we shouldn't be able to find joy in moments that lead to greater accomplishments. have pride in yourself. stand up for yourself, but be kind in the way you do it; you're simply prioritizing yourself for the benefit of others.

yeah yeah lucia, you're corny.

I am. but I'm proud of it. I really believe that this mindset has helped me not only within myself and my comfortability and respect for myself, but in my relationships with my work, passions, relationships, friends, and foes. 

here's the sweet rain on my window

 

luv

i have been thinking about this topic a lot recently. getting to know new friends at college has been fun for me especially in the moments where we sit down and get to know each-others perspectives on life philosophically. two of my girlfriends are in long distance relationships with guys who seem to be the opposite of bare minimum. for instance, the first day i met one of my already close friends, she was showing me her cultivation of vintage trinkets. one of which was a little jewelry box. when she opened the box, there was a surprise note from her boyfriend before he had left, with a silly pickup line. just a little thing like that is so above and beyond to me; i've never experienced spontaneous affection or romance, at least that i can think of right now, but i surely have never been able to appreciate something like that from an outside perspective. 

right there gave me a moment of hope that romance within our generation is not dead. romance can be fully viable on its own. my perceptions of relationships completely changed from such a small moment like that- after almost three years, they feel incredible comfortable with eachother, but romantic gestures are not just used as flirtation tactics. 

i'm the type of person that would be very distrusting of a little romantic gesture like that because of my inability to fully trust men. the longest "long-term" relationship i had been in was for 7 months, where nothing like that happened, and otherwise, small things like flowers or a gift in the other romantic relationships i've experienced were pre-sex, and after we had sex i was left or it felt as if those gestures were unnecessary anymore since the main goal had been achieved. the only affectionate gestures i would recieve from a boyfriend were the "expected things": birthday posts, valentines day gift, new years kiss. and even at that, those gifts and moments are not personal, they're what you're supposed to do. 

but this moment that i had witnessed with my friend and her boyfriends note really did make a huge impact on me.

me and that same friend have discussed the topic of love at first sight. which i truly don't believe in, but i've heard is a situation that you wont find when you're actively looking for it. 

i'm a strong believer in lust at first sight and infatuation at first conversation, which was the conclusion i came to in my heated conversation with this friend.

THE PROCESS:

first sight: lust

first introduction: infatuation

and then,

up until dating: a need for possession

or at least that's how i think i've experienced it- supporting evidence being that i get bored when i receive constant affection.

it then got me to thinking of the cliche: what really is love?

like seriously, what is it. and to people who say they're in it and have been it, how do you know? do you really know or do you think? and if you're sure you know, how do you know you're right?

i've definitely thought i was in love before. i've said i was in love with someone before, but after it was "over" i had the thought, no..no...that wasn't love. it couldn't have been...

i have a really sweet friend who is incredibly creative and loves to write stories and screenplays. we're very similar in the sense that we "fall in love" with people easily. they recently texted me, with that same message; they had fallen in love and are going to write a story about it. for the first time ever, i didn't think: wow, it must be love. I thought: How can i tell my friend that this isn't love, to me? this is just infatuation and i know because this has happened like 20 times.

but then i thought: i cant tell them that what they're experiencing isn't love, but infatuation, because what if i'm wrong?

one of the hardest about all this love stuff is, i guess, that we really don't know until we experience it. and even if/when we do experience it, we may not even realize it and come to terms with the fact that we experienced it.

love is a word that is undefinable. love is not a word that is "individually necessary and sufficient" (research those terms together if you're interested in what i mean)

in my philosophy class we discussed this argument by Nietzsche: “All concepts in which an entire process is semiotically concentrated elude definition; only that which has no history is definable.”

That's the issue. Love has history. and no two people have the exact same perception of love because of all of the different true or untrue "examples" of it that have been indoctrinated into our personal understandings of it.

*    *    *

although my conclusion is very pessimistic, i will say one thing that kind of coincides with something i learned when i read Plato's Meno, in senior year of high school: 

you truly understand a concept, something like love, goodness, or pleasure, when you can teach it to someone else. 

maybe we will never be able to truly define love, or know what love really is, but theres some comfort in being sure in what love isn't. and thats a mentality that can be applied to bad breakups, uncomfortable relationships; although it may not have been love when you thought it was, you can appreciate it for what it wasn't.

*    *    *

in a more casual note: 

i've really taken this stuff to my heart which has been somewhat of a good thing. i think coming to terms with these things have made it easier for me to not chase after something, therefore, it'll come to me easily. another thing is that it's helped me look at failed relationships in a more positive light; i can appreciate what i've experienced and learned in certain relationships whether its likes or dislikes. and its also helped me enjoy taking time to get to know someone before i attempt to satisfy the immediate gratification of finding romance, like getting into a relationship or having sex or defining "what we are" for a sense of ownership. cause truly, love isn't about ownership, and i don't think you have to even be monogamously romantic with someone for it to be love. 

i hope y'all enjoy this and can take something from it. feel free to share ur inner thoughts too xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxoxoxoxoxoxox

Boobye NEW YAWK

 Hey there blogalicious

i haven't posted a blog post in a while for a couple reasons.

first reason was that after 3 months of building up the courage to share this blog publicly, i got a lot of anxiety coming from peoples grammar edits... :|

but also i felt like i was just trying to create random inauthentic posts to please my <3 audience <3 when in reality that just separated me from the authenticity i'm trying to uphold here. 

second reason is that i finally moved out of my new york childhood home for college. i'd been trying to spend as much time just with friends and getting things. i finally finished recording for my new song that im going to release; its called "Go!" shhhhhhh 

and i had one of the best last weekends/weeks in the city with my friends. we went to a three day concert event for Junior Varsity/Enzo the Magazine/ Eternal: first show was on a boat, second was at the williamsburg hall of music, third one was at a warehouse, but i didn't go the third night. it was so fun, i was just surrounded by music, and excitement, and friends. i got to make a couple new friends too right before i left which was really sweet, and makes me excited to come back and visit. 

for the next couple days, i was just packing and recording and spending time with friends. my last night, yesterday, i got lunch with my best friend of all time and then met-up for dinner with all my friends and we ended up loitering at the restaurant for like 3 hours. the best part about it was that since we were outside, we saw so many of our/my friends who stopped by to say a lil goodbye. after that, me and my favorite person in this whole world went to an arcade and we ended the night playing cards and watching tv in our little group of friends. i was so happy. i was a bit sad too. just like i am now. 

i'm so excited for the independence. thats the thing, is i've lived in new york for all of my life. i've lived under my parents roof + rules for longer than i can remember. i'm excited to have the ability to make real life choices, like time management, what i do, where i am, organizing work vs play. i'm also incredibly excited to decorate my dorm... i'm excited to learn, truly. i've had practically no choice in what i was studying for my whole life. i'm excited to be engaged in activities, not to sound corny, but just join groups and make friends not based on cliques in school or cliques in the city.

but, if it were my choice, which unfortunately it isn't, i would totally stay in new york my whole life. i kind of got pressured into leaving the city for college, which is something i never said. for a while i tried to convince myself that this was my dream, or my choice, but it really wasn't. i got into some great schools in new york, that i think i'd be a lot more excited to start, cause of the familiarity and easier access to my hobbies. but some people in my life just kept saying "you'd regret not going to a school with a greater caliber like [college im about to start]". it's partially true, it's definitely an accomplishment to go to a great school, but i personally don't think the "caliber" of a school is the most important thing (?)

either way, i think i'm the type of person who adjusts well. it takes me a little bit of time, but im constantly reassuring myself in my head that i'll be okay. i do that so much, that it actually works. plus, distance makes the heart grow fonder. and i think that cliche will work for me in many senses. 

having the ability to separate and better myself from new york will strengthen my relationships platonically and romantic, as well as my relationship with new york. i don't tend to glorify new york being grown up there, but i still want to live and die there. 

i'm gonna miss a lot of people. but i don't feel as sad about leaving the people i feel closest too, cause i think our relationships mean more than the amount of time we spend together. i can think of about 5 people that i have that relationship with... 

*    *    *

moving is scary. i feel a bit numb right now. i don't know how im going to react, but im just scared. i'm so scared of change, i wish i could tell the future. i wish i wouldn't have to worry about making friends or avoiding drama, or not getting mixed up with people who separate me from myself.

i'll obviously keep you updated. and maybe tomorrow i'll do something a bit more upbeat like a dorm tour.

Money

Being an adult and being conscious of how expensive things are is disgusting. Especially in New York. I am so grateful of all the times id scream or cry for a monster high doll or one of those Barbie’s or omg a webkinz, but my parents would give in and get it for me. There’s nothing more frustrating than spending money on useless things like a vape ew or a water just cause im thirsty. Every single time I spend time downtown, i always get a overwhelming yet subconscious frustration with the money i spend. Like okay 10 dollars for chips and guacamole… 

I end up having a great time, but i still feel such a guilt for not thinking thriftily when going out with friends. Maybe if i was vegan id save money? 

This is especially hard cause i love trying new food. Im such a traditionalist when it comes to food. Whenever i go to a Resturant multiple times, i order the same exact drink and the same exact food. Except today, i literally had ramen with idk what was in it cause i didnt even read the ingredients, and i loved it. It reminds me of when i was in virginia about a year ago and i tried a chicken sandwich. Not just any chicken sandwich, literally the best chicken sandwich in the world with random things in it like MAYO. I had never tried mayo before that but it’s kinda good. The only other meal that reached the same potential as the chicken sandwich from virginia is the chicken kebab pita sandwich from Cafe Mogador. It’s literally a pot of gold. Perfect with fresh orange juice or their mint lemonade, which sometimes has too much pulp but otherwise is delicious. 

Anyways yeah, i wanna try cool meals but im broke after one weekend downtown with my friends. The only way to save money is literally just eat at home. But then i feel bad for constantly eating my parents food. Plus i dont want to spend that much time at home. 

It’s helped that I’ve started loving work though, and so does the money i make from music. I should have a lot of money added up by the end of the summer, otherwise i plan on getting a job once i move to DC. Cant depend on being an influencer forever… 

It’s weird shifting your priorities when you get older. This time last year, i would never consider getting a full time or even a part time job to make good money. Im now thinking about building my credit, where i want my future to be, who i want my future to be with… and its not even bringing me that much anxiety. It’s kind of exciting. I really do love working, it makes fitting other things into my schedule so much more fun. Like seeing friends, going out on a date, movie night. I think ive always wanted this feeling since i was young. And i really do hope i keep this mentality when i get to college. Prioritizing myself, my career, and my success. I don’t want to be prude when it comes down to the “college experience” and going out to parties and such, but i really don’t feel a need for that. 

How do i feel like i already want to settle down, have a good career and good family at 18. I dont know if its because of the expedited maturity that comes with growing up in New York City surrounded by older friends since 7th grade or my inate obsession with anticipation. Or maybe a mix of both?

I still feel like i enjoy my adolescence though, i love the place im in right now, I love the people i surround myself with and the fun that we have. I don’t feel like my adulthood is impending. 

Prom song (gone wrong)

as promised xoxoxoxoxox

Im doing a prom post 2 talk about my dress and horrible decisions. Honestly at this point i think its impossible 4 me 2 put on a designer gown and not make a bad decision. It’s happened twice already in the span of my blog career…

My fav flowers are gardenias. They’re also my dads favorites.

Me + my date

After i fully stabbed myself w my other heel NONONONO

 

This dress is a vintage Vera wang strapless brown gown with silver detailing. Ugh it is the best. It was a little big on me in the wrong places and small in the wrong places… but i loved it. I felt like a princess. 

I dont really want 2 get into the details of my night cause id love 2 keep some things in my life private ;) but i also am just trying to have more of a positive outlook on my experiences. The night was good but the aftertaste is pretty shitty. I got all the immediate gratification i wanted, but now im picking up the pieces… 

So here are some of the good parts:

My date was very kind 2 me. He’s been a close friend of mine since middle school but we’ve gone 2 school together since kindergarten. He’s the type of guy you marry, but im glad we went together as friends. I thought a lot about how close we used 2 be and i hope we stay in touch during college.

The girls @ my school were so kind to me. I ended the night at the afterprom talking to my oldest friend who used 2 be my best friend. Her loyalty is still there <3 so is mine, i hope she knows. 

My crush had called me during the preprom. I wish he was there with me. He’s such a sweet dude + i cant wait 2 hangout when he’s back…

Overall prom was pretty good - I don’t have much emotion about it 

No more highschool dreams

 I broke down crying while my Physics class played “Friday” by Rebecca Black. Incredibly niche, i know. I never really considered how much I’m going to miss this school. I can’t tell if I'm going to miss the school or the people. I don't feel too attached to the people here. 

I feel attached to the memories though- the unreconciled emotions and storylines I’ve created with everyone. I’m afraid that since there will be no more environment for me to fix everything i consider broken, nothing will ever fix and ill feel incomplete.

I wanna fix my friendship with my ex, I want to tell my old best friend how much I regret not treating her as my priority. I want to tell my philosophy teacher how much he's made an impact on my life. I don’t have the right words to use. I don't feel like I ever have the right vocabulary to use to explain how i truly feel about things. I am such an advocate of communication yet I always feel insecure about the syntax of the things I want to say. Like I worry too much about how the other person perceives the meaning of my words and it distracts me from the point I'm trying to make. I stumble then it ends up bad. 

I’m not ready to be surrounded by new faces. I’m not ready to create new stories. I don’t care if my unfinished stories are procrastinated, as long as I get to stay here. I’m not afraid of change, I just find more comfort in familiarity. 13 years is a lot of time to become familiar to people. 7 years is enough time to make a school feel like another home. Spending 4 years learning from an older teacher is enough to make them feel like a parent. 

I feel like theres just so much unfinished business for me here. I feel like I could do so much more with the opportunities here. I wish I spent less time trying to either stand out or fit in and spent more time just being myself and treasuring experiences. If i did that, I wouldn’t have to sit here and scavenge reasons to feel this dread to leave. 

Today is the official last day of classes and tomorrow is senior prank day. I remember my sister sobbing, driving me home, after her senior prank day. She cried a lot and i never understood why cause she didn’t have many friends. It was the familiarity.

I can understand it now. It’s now June 10th 2022. Day after my graduation. Im listening to Harvest Moon by Neil Young, my best friend is still asleep. I decided not to spend the night with my school friends. Quite honestly I want to move on from them. I love a lot of them, but im such a nostalgia junkie that it would just make me depressed. 

I feel even more unfinished than I did when I started this blog post. I took steps backwards in terms with my ex boyfriend. But i think its just time for me to move on. I need to learn to give him the autonomy to grow and mature. Simultaneously, Ill learn how to respect myself and comprehend that I deserve communication. I care about him a lot.

*    *    *

I don’t know how to process the end of high school. Quite frankly, I think its just something I need to get over. I cant stew in this feeling. 

I feel excited for my future but also scared of the lack of familiarity. 

6:01 AM - 6:47 AM New York 05-29-22

 I feel like we live in a world where everyone thinks that they’ve been cheated. Or everyone thinks that they’re owed something. I’m guilty of it too.

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about how relationships, platonic or romantic, end. And I don’t mean situations where one person clearly violates the other persons boundaries, knowingly. But, more like accidental situations where an action taints one persons perspective of the other. I’ve been guilty of that too. Both sides of it.

I think humans are naturally wired to believe that the bad outweighs the good. Even those “mental health” advocates who stress that valuing and prioritizing the good moments in life will bring one nirvana. Why should we even have to make the effort to prioritize the good over the bad? Shouldn’t it be natural?

The most animalistic trait of humanity is our innate tendency to make decisions based on personal gain. Not only physically or situationally, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually… I’ll say it again, but im guilty of it. 

I’ve ended relationships for personal gain. For instance, I was in a friendship scenario where I felt as though I was villianized constantly. I felt like a manufacturer of apologies, mostly ingenuine apologies to sedate conflict. That friendship pretty much ended once I made a conscious effort to benefit myself mentally; I started to stick up for myself. Yet, I was accused of being confrontational and disloyal. 

That inherently was a good form of personal gain. But I constantly wonder if I was trying to satisfy a victim complex in my mind; maybe I was being confrontational and disloyal. I did feel cheated in this relationship.

 I constantly try to understand the perspective of others in a transformative way. I try to take on anothers conditions and see each scenario through their mind. But I think I have to learn to accept that I will never be fully able to. 

The mind is so interesting in that it is a combination of every single experience that one has lived. Every single, waking moment and emotion that I have seen, heard, felt, smelled, even tasted, has imprinted on the decisions I make and perspectives I take. Isn’t that crazy to think about?

I think I’ve definitely made conscious bad decisions. I never apologize, but I do make these decisions. But I think I can genuinely say I behave in a way that prioritizes doing “the right thing”. But “the right thing” to me will never be identical to someone else’s idea of goodness.

“If then virtue is something in the soul, and necessarily good, it must be a matter of mindfulness. For all other qualities of soul are in themselves neither good nor harmful. As accompanied by forethought or thoughtlessness, they become good or harmful. This argument shows that virtue, being good, must be a kind of mindfulness.” 
― Plato, Meno

There’s an unspoken standard of goodness. But this “mindfulness” is subjective. Maybe I was in the wrong for the way I approached “sticking up for myself”. I thought my actions were good. I thought I had been cheated. And I considered that this was not a universal truth; not everyone thought the condition I was in within this friendship was unbearable. But what I was unable to achieve, and will never be able to achieve, is my friends’ truth. I am unsatisfied with my perspective alone.

I don’t mean to say that relationships are hopeless because of this. I just mean to emphasize the cruciality of communication, to its able extent. And quite honestly, I think its hard having a mindset focused on this level of attempted empathy. Humans are naturally focused on perspective over situation. Biases will inevitably fuck us all.

But unfortunately, society’s inability to compromise completely on the definition of “good” will continue to harvest a world where we all think we’ve been cheated. We’ve inevitably brainwashed ourselves.

Worst but also Best day ever

 Hiiiiiiiii Blawwwwwgggggggg !!!!!!!!!!!!&*&(&^(!!!!!!!!!!

I had such a bad night/ morning. Woke up 2 just a very uncomfortable situation. I hate boys. Especially boys frum my past. They think theres no such thing as boundaries… i also just realized i have such a hard time saying no 2 things. Especially when i dont even wanna do them. Then i end up just feeling shitty+gross. 

My least favorite type of situation is where the guy hurt me in the past, and even if i dont want to do anything, i give in, but just for the physical attraction… then it ends up being the situation where he tries to act like we have some sort of romantic, inseparable bond, and we literally dont. And after i end up just giving in, i am completely physically repulsed by the guy. 

This situation also just made me realize that i dont need 2 “protect myself from getting hurt” by keeping intimacy casual. I dont need 2 “keep my options open” in order to cushion the blow, if i end up being rejected. I really like this 1 guy, and theres no expectations from him or me in terms of our relationship 2 eachother, but I feel like I force myself 2 see other people cause I think otherwise im gonna end up hurt, rejected, and alone. 

I think my biggest fear is rejection. I deal with it all the time, but nothing ever makes me feel worse than rejection, no matter the terms…

Anyways so that was horrible & i am declaring my celibacy till July through this blog post <3

*    *    *

The day ended up getting 10000000000x better tho…

My BFF and I are in the hamptons 2gether for the weekend, and we drove by this sweet little bookstore in the basement of a library. We saw this sign that said 50% off, and i contested it since i wus SEWWWWWWWWW hungry, but we ended up going in.

I thought to myself while i was in the bookstore, How funny would it be if i found A collection of poems by WB Yeats… 

I’ve been trying 2 find this book for almost a year; the only place I found it was like 200$ on EBay… BUT low and behold, I FOUND THE FUXXXXING BOOK. And for only 2 FUUUUUUCKIN DOLLARS !!!!!!11!!!1111!!

UGGHHHHHHH IM SO HAPPY <3

The day got 1000000x better. We ended up both getting like 10 books for less than 20 bucks each. Such an amazing day,

Cute lil pussy poem

Lulu!!!!! DASSSS MEEEE !!!

All me + BFFs books <3

*    *    *

We then ended up gettin McDonald’s then crying in the 7/11 parking lot. But after, we met up with our other cute friend we havent seen in a while. And we went 2 her farm !!!!!!!!!! I want 2 live on a farm so so bad. I met goats, pigs, mini horses, donkeys, chickens, geese, dogs, horses, pigs, sheep, and TWO ADORABLE COWS. I love animals so so much. They’re so innocent and sweet. I wish i could read their minds. Hanging out with them definitely made me feel better about my night. 

While my BFF and I were driving 2 the farm, i had one of their dogs on my lap, and the other dog had her head out da window. Honestly that was a core memory. Just so sweet and innocent.

*    *    *    

It was definitely one of the top 5 days of my life. I felt just so fucking calm. So serene. 

I felt like i didnt need 2 worry about anything but take responsibility for it. I know I need to learn 2 voice my boundaries better + I need to just enjoy my life and not impulsively rush things. 

Anyways… 

Here r sum new song suggestions:

Fingertips - The Brian Jonestown Massacre

Sextape - Deftones

Silver Springs - Fleetwood Mac

Dragonaut - Sleep